***DISCLAIMER: this blog is going to be of a more personal nature then some of my past ones, it covers a very specific sin that the majority of if not all GUYS struggle with, if you are a woman, you may not want to read this. Of course, if you do that is OK too. I promise it gets better toward the end. ***
For years now, I have struggled with the sin of lust and all that the other sins that that entails. This has worked itself out at first with racy pictures, but still clean, but it slowly digressed into reading stories online that got my mind wandering, to eventually struggling with porn.
For years, this has seemed like my unconquerable sin, that one that just sticks with you, like Hebrews 12 says that sin that so easily entangles us. In the same verse it also calls the sin a weight, which is what it felt like. It is definitely something that will weigh you, even drag you, down and many times it feels like it buries you.
When you are struggling with a sin consistently you end up feeling guilty because you know it’s wrong, but can't seem to beat it. This ultimately ends up affecting your time in the Word, in fact in my case it was one of the first things to go. This was simply because I didn't feel like I could read it rightly; it became kind of mundane, and became something that I was doing because I knew I should, not because I wanted to. I have always known to fight sin and knew what I needed to do as far as that goes, but there would always be some sort of chink in the armor that I was using to fight it, and any chink will be found. This is because I was relying on myself instead of on God to deliver me from this, yes, I would pray for deliverance from this and occasionally read the Bible, but in the end it was about me keeping me from looking at it so that I would not feel guilty for sinning.
When battling I would end up doing several things that were temporary fixes. I knew of the need for accountability, but when you are all struggling with the same sin or you don't meet regularly for accountability then it does not help. The best thing that you can ever do especially if your struggle is online (and most today are) is to get a program that will block websites and will send reports to your accountability partner. I recommend both, because if for some reason your accountability doesn't keep you accountable then you still have the blocker, or if you set up your accountability software and know the password then you control when it is on and off and it does no good. There is the option of programs that just report to partners what you look at and don't block anything, but this still is gives you free reign and if you aren't held accountable it doesn't do anything to stop you. I haven’t looked at many of these programs but Safe Eyes is the one I am using and it is working wonderfully, but only because I have a group of guys that are getting reports on what I look at, and they will hold me to it.
The scariest thing about this time in my life for me though is the fact that I have had "mountain-top" experiences before and felt really good about fighting sin and such. I pray that this isn't one of those times. I don't really think it is though, because, in all of those times my success in not struggling with porn or stories or what not was either because I was on a trip and didn't have internet access or because I felt bad about it so I stopped, but it was a struggle to not do it and the desire was still there. So far, this seems to be different, now, I desire the time in the Word more and porn is becoming repulsive to me, not like I'm not straight anymore or anything, just that there is something I desire more than that instant gratification. This has been a slow process, but what has happened is what Thomas Chalmers calls "An expulsive power of a new affection." I now desire my time in the Word and desire Jesus more than I do that gratification form masturbation that is so finite. The fact that I have this new affection is what is so crucial in this sticking, it is Christ and only through Christ that victory can be found, now I am writing this like I have been free of this for months, but it has literally been less than a week, so pray that this isn't a mountain top experience and I am just deceived right now.
I can honestly say though that I feel freer than I have in a long, long time. It is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is a definite answer to prayers that I have prayed, but it is one that has taken a long time to come. I am finding a deep satisfaction is my time in the Word, one that is lasting much longer than anything giving into my temporal passions has produced.
Please don’t read this and hear me tooting my own horn about conquering this. It was by no means me, IT WAS ONLY THROUGH CHRIST THAT I WAS ABLE TO AND AM GOING TO BE ABLE TO CONTINUE TO CONQUER THIS. Without him, I am nothing. This is by no means to say that I am perfect, as I John 1:8 says, “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.”
God has convicted me recently of how sorry of a steward I really am, not just with my money, although that is true, but also with my time and my body as well. Anyone who looks at me can tell I am overweight, fat even. However, it was just recently that I realized that it’s not about losing weight because that is healthy, but because it is bad stewardship of my body which is a temple. My next blog post will expound on this more. These are just a few of the ways that I have been convicted, but God is bigger than all my sins, Christ covered them on the cross, and I am living in the freedom therein.
Soli Deo Gloria
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